jokes

[rainman]

girl and boy making out in the movies:

he says: you smell good, what do you have on?
she says: chanel #5

she says: you smell good, what do you have on?
he says: a hard on but i didn't know you could smell it

[rainman]

an indian was standing on a street corner and every time a girl walked by he would say "some"
a curious man went up to him and said "i thought you indians always said how"
the indian replied "me know how, me want some"

[smiteedawgwv]

A West Virginia University fan is drinking in a North Carolina bar, when he
gets a call on his cell phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has
just given birth to a typical West Virginia baby boy weighing 25 pounds .

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the
West Virginia fan just shrugs and replies, That's about average back
home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical West Virginia baby boy.

"He's gonna be a West Virginia University football player."

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of
"WOW!"

One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, Say, aren't you the father of that typical West
Virginia baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?

Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.

So, how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds.

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious.

What happened?

He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!

The West Virginia father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on
his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised."

GO MOUNTAINEERS!

[rainman]

The Boss Had to Fire Somebody

He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was
an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than
flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the
water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after
partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this
before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit."

[rainman]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[rainman]

Zipper Down

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit
puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had
told him, finally understood.

He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that
told him about his "barracks door."

He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter
he said,

"When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there
at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a
disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

[rainman]

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:

Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her.
Smile at her. Listen to her.
Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her.
Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her
jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to
the ends of the earth and back again for her.


HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring beer, chicken wings and don't block the TV.

[BumpCityWV]

A man in a local county is facing charges of nibbling the toes off of a baby. The story has brought great outrage to the local community. The judge has demanded a plea from the suspect it will be announced shortly..........

[BumpCityWV]

Just in from the news wire the man in the above case has plead not guilty!
He was quoted as saying " I didn't know the woman was pregnant."

[rainman]

...and his nickname was ostrich

[WVUfanPHILLY]

Bumper Stickers you'd like to see....


Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called
...they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Your ridiculous little
Opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle
On life..but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful
Overnight relationship.

Guys...just because you have one,
Doesn't mean you have to be one.

Some people just don't know how to drive..
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving?
Then quit watching me.

If you can read this...I can
Slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out
by itself.

Hang up and drive!!

And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!
Welcome to America
...now speak English

[dehayes35]

This is great...LOL

www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxUfeXazpyw

[rainman]

>> >> A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
>> >> chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of
>> >> these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me
>> >> have the two old hens over in the corner?"
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking
>> >> over."
>> >> The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
>> >> around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the
>> >> entire chicken coop."
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
>> >> So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
>> >> rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
>> >> farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5
>> >> feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
>> >> when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and
>> >> running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM -
>> >> he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head
>> >> and says,
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> "Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> Moral of this story?
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little
>> >> treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
>> >>

[mountaineerinpa]

Yeah leave us old farts alone,

[rainman]

Subject: Husband Store


A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.