Post by elp525 on Apr 16, 2010 4:58:33 GMT -5
April 15, 2010
By Dave Hickman
Staff writer
MORGANTOWN - There are things that I just find confusing or frustrating in this world in which we live.
Like why Ohio is The Birthplace of Aviation and North Carolina is First in Flight. It says so right there on their license plates. Confusing.
Why can't I go to just one drive-thru where I can get a Wendy's hamburger, Burger King fries and one of those McDonalds cherry pies? Frustrating.
Then there are the simple things. Is there another word for synonym? Why are drive-thru bank keypads equipped with Braille? And my personal favorite, what if there were no hypothetical questions?
I don't even want to think about it.
Fortunately, I don't have to. That's because I have the Answer Dude, who in the past few days has been getting a ton of stuff in his in box:
Dear Dude,
Rumor has it the institution of higher learning here might be considering making a change in the group employed to organize its extracurricular football program pretty soon. I'm hoping that's not the case because I rather depend on the income as it relates to some outstanding bills still due my former employer. If you were a betting man, Dude, in how many of its games do you think the Old Gol ... er, Maize and Blue might have to emerge victorious this season in order to avoid such a development?
Rich R.
Suburban Detroit
Dear Rich,
To paraphrase the great philosopher Allen Iverson, "Games? We're talking about games?'' Not to belabor the obvious, but I believe there might be more significant criteria in the decision than the number of games won, even at a place that has won more of those than anyone else.
Still, the Dude never walks away from an over-under proposition, so we'll give it a shot. What do you play, 12 and maybe a bowl for 13? Conservatively, I'm going with 14.
Dear Dude,
See. I told you so. Fire the architect and hire the painter and what does it get you? Now the NCAA is crawling all up your hillbilly buttocks. If you'd just listened to me and taken my money and given the guy everything he wanted you'd still be living in Shangri-La. You dumb rednecks. You're getting what you deserve.
K. Kendrick
Phoenix
Dear Ken,
Wow. I must humbly tip my cap. This is a first. An argument so inane that not even the Dude has a witty retort. But hey, thanks for reminding us of your position anyway.
Dear Mr. Dude,
I'm fairly new in town, having arrived here from the Baltimore area, but my people tell me your people are the ones to talk to about this whole inquiry thing here at West Virginia. I'm not even sure if these NCAA folks were even in charge of things where I came from at Towson. Should we be worried?
Jim C.
Morgantown
Dear Jim,
Please, it's just Dude. My father is Mr. Dude. And yes, the NCAA was in charge at Towson. The NCAA is in charge everywhere. It was even the swing vote on health care reform and will soon issue opinions on Roe v. Wade, Coke v. Pepsi, Stooges v. South Park, Stones v. Beatles and Ginger v. Mary Ann.
As for worries, sure, you should have some. It's kind of like having the director of the IRS audit a simple 1040EZ with no itemized deductions. You're sure the numbers are right, but he still might try to prosecute you for eligible penmanship or missing one of the numbers on your kid's social security number.
The NCAA wouldn't have come to Morgantown were it not curious about the activities of a former coach. And no matter how detailed the records or how intense the scrutiny was at the time, stuff happens, especially when it involves a guy famous - or now infamous - for pushing the envelope. Shoot, maybe the current staff is doing something wrong, although with this group I would find it hard to fathom it would be anything intentional or even remotely major. But have you seen the NCAA rule book lately? The version the Dude occasionally studies - but only when the Physicians' Desk Reference or the Bible aren't available - is 439 pages and just shy of 300,000 words.
Here's the thing, though. Think of what might be there to inquire about had the former coach been allowed to hire extra graduate assistants and quality control coaches, permit his players to sell their free textbooks for profit, sell Taco Bell and Roto-Rooter signs on the stadium walls to raise more money for the coach, have free reign over 100 percent of the 1100 Club funds and set up his own for-profit Web site.
By Dave Hickman
Staff writer
MORGANTOWN - There are things that I just find confusing or frustrating in this world in which we live.
Like why Ohio is The Birthplace of Aviation and North Carolina is First in Flight. It says so right there on their license plates. Confusing.
Why can't I go to just one drive-thru where I can get a Wendy's hamburger, Burger King fries and one of those McDonalds cherry pies? Frustrating.
Then there are the simple things. Is there another word for synonym? Why are drive-thru bank keypads equipped with Braille? And my personal favorite, what if there were no hypothetical questions?
I don't even want to think about it.
Fortunately, I don't have to. That's because I have the Answer Dude, who in the past few days has been getting a ton of stuff in his in box:
Dear Dude,
Rumor has it the institution of higher learning here might be considering making a change in the group employed to organize its extracurricular football program pretty soon. I'm hoping that's not the case because I rather depend on the income as it relates to some outstanding bills still due my former employer. If you were a betting man, Dude, in how many of its games do you think the Old Gol ... er, Maize and Blue might have to emerge victorious this season in order to avoid such a development?
Rich R.
Suburban Detroit
Dear Rich,
To paraphrase the great philosopher Allen Iverson, "Games? We're talking about games?'' Not to belabor the obvious, but I believe there might be more significant criteria in the decision than the number of games won, even at a place that has won more of those than anyone else.
Still, the Dude never walks away from an over-under proposition, so we'll give it a shot. What do you play, 12 and maybe a bowl for 13? Conservatively, I'm going with 14.
Dear Dude,
See. I told you so. Fire the architect and hire the painter and what does it get you? Now the NCAA is crawling all up your hillbilly buttocks. If you'd just listened to me and taken my money and given the guy everything he wanted you'd still be living in Shangri-La. You dumb rednecks. You're getting what you deserve.
K. Kendrick
Phoenix
Dear Ken,
Wow. I must humbly tip my cap. This is a first. An argument so inane that not even the Dude has a witty retort. But hey, thanks for reminding us of your position anyway.
Dear Mr. Dude,
I'm fairly new in town, having arrived here from the Baltimore area, but my people tell me your people are the ones to talk to about this whole inquiry thing here at West Virginia. I'm not even sure if these NCAA folks were even in charge of things where I came from at Towson. Should we be worried?
Jim C.
Morgantown
Dear Jim,
Please, it's just Dude. My father is Mr. Dude. And yes, the NCAA was in charge at Towson. The NCAA is in charge everywhere. It was even the swing vote on health care reform and will soon issue opinions on Roe v. Wade, Coke v. Pepsi, Stooges v. South Park, Stones v. Beatles and Ginger v. Mary Ann.
As for worries, sure, you should have some. It's kind of like having the director of the IRS audit a simple 1040EZ with no itemized deductions. You're sure the numbers are right, but he still might try to prosecute you for eligible penmanship or missing one of the numbers on your kid's social security number.
The NCAA wouldn't have come to Morgantown were it not curious about the activities of a former coach. And no matter how detailed the records or how intense the scrutiny was at the time, stuff happens, especially when it involves a guy famous - or now infamous - for pushing the envelope. Shoot, maybe the current staff is doing something wrong, although with this group I would find it hard to fathom it would be anything intentional or even remotely major. But have you seen the NCAA rule book lately? The version the Dude occasionally studies - but only when the Physicians' Desk Reference or the Bible aren't available - is 439 pages and just shy of 300,000 words.
Here's the thing, though. Think of what might be there to inquire about had the former coach been allowed to hire extra graduate assistants and quality control coaches, permit his players to sell their free textbooks for profit, sell Taco Bell and Roto-Rooter signs on the stadium walls to raise more money for the coach, have free reign over 100 percent of the 1100 Club funds and set up his own for-profit Web site.
