TAKING A TINKLE

[WVUfanPHILLY]

TAKING A TINKLE
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street
when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times
in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the
bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother.

'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the
mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said
the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet
came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

[rainman]

lol - you got karma for that one

[smurph]

A guy walks into a crowded bar with an alligator. He orders a drink for himself and one for the alligator. Once he gets the attention of everyone in the bar, he states that he will open the gator's mouth, insert his manhood, close the gator's mouth, and keep it in there for 5 minutes if everyone in the bar will buy him a drink. Finally, everyone agrees. So he does as he claimed. After 5 minutes, he slaps the gator on the back, it opens its mouth and he removes his johnson. After the patrons start buying him drinks, he asks if anyone else would be willing to duplicate the feat. There is no response. Finally a blonde in the back speaks up. " I will do it, but only if you promise not to slap me so hard in the back."

[wvumaryjane]

A pastor asked if any one in the congregation would
like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle
wreck and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was
excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could
help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the
congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim
experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children
and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as
the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were
able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's
scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably
as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim
and the wire wrapping he has.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the
doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover
completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and
tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said,
"Good morning, I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife,
ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM."

[dehayes35]

LOL that's pretty funny!!

[WVUfanPHILLY]

Subject: I can't look that old...



HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, 'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WI TH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED , "IN 1967. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT A--, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SOB ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

[WVUfanPHILLY]

LETTER FROM A FARM KID ...

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are.

Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.

No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.

Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad,there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food,

But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.

Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.

If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.

A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home.

Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

This will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting.I don't know why.

The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.You don't even load your own cartridges.They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys.

I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.

It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home

I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .

I only beat him once.

He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.



Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Carol

[WVUfanPHILLY]

What's the difference between The Patriots and a hooker?


The hooker doesn't choke on the big one!

[rainman]

what's the difference between like and love?



spit or swallow

[WVUfanPHILLY]

Mean people suck, nice people swallow!

[WVUfanPHILLY]

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard
Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding
or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down
the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a
little F-16 in my pants.


Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
the "curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my
body will adjust and I'll be! tran sformed into what my husband likes to
call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills". Isn't the human body
amazing?


As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know
about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You
surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last
week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told
her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!



The poi! nt is , sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which br ings me to
the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping
so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'


Are you f*cking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness -- actual smiling,
laughing, happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did
anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did
it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there
will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack
yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just
so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting
rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.


For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap
a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?


Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always....

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

[WVUfanPHILLY]

Last January the "New Orleans Times Picayune" reported that a Cajun amateur archeologist having dug to a depth of 10 meters found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years.... and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Cajuns, in the weeks that followed, Texas scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters. Shortly after, headlines in the "Dallas Morning News" read: "Texas archaeologists have found traces of 200-year old copper wire, and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one hundred years earlier than the Cajuns."

One week later, "The Grant County Press", reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in fields near Cabins, WV, Bubba Williams, a self-taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago in West Virginia they were already using wireless."

[WVUfanPHILLY]

The Burglar

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot would name a parrot Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

[smurph]

A very large guy parks his motorcycle outside a bar. He walks in, grabs the bartender by the shirt and says, "Give me a beer." "Y-Y-Yes sir." says the bartender. The biker looks around and says "Everyone on my left is a son-of-a-bitch." No one says a word. He orders another beer and says "Everybody on my right is a homosexual." Still no one says a word. All of asudden a little guy goes walking behind the biker. He grabs the guy and says "Where do you think you're going?" The guy responds "I'm sorry, but I'm on the wrong side!"